Sunday, September 26, 2010

Top ten reasons I would rather spend eternity in Hell over Houston

I have recently had to spend quite a bit of time in this godforsaken sh&*($le of a city, and would just like to post this as a warning to other people who might be pondering going there. These are the ten things I dislike the most, they may not be something you would hate, but such is the way of opinion.

1)I should never be the skinniest person in a city. I am not exactly model skinny, but compared to most of the people in Houston, I am positively malnourished. This is especially true, sadly, of the women. It's F.U.P.A. heaven there.

2)I think 97% of the restaurants in Houston are comprised of Jack in the Box, WhataBurger, Burger King, & KFC. No wonder this city is so damn fat. Outside of the downtown area, it seems difficult to find a place to eat where they prepare more than 3% of the menu outside of the fryer.

3)I don't know what kind of birds they are, but the city is covered in these small, black, raptorish looking creatures that have no fear of humans and just screech non-stop at you in every parking lot, every time you get out of the car. They just stare at you and caw, and you can't tell if they want food, or are warning you to clear the area before they go all Alfred Hitchcock on you. Also, this isn't a pleasant little tweet they emit. It sounds more like a herd of chihuahuas getting their tail stepped on. I am an animal lover, so I don't condone a mass slaughter of these things or anything, but they are some creepy SOBs.

4)There is no air in the entire city. It's just one hot, stagnant, wind deprived, sweaty, dry place of bad body odor and misery.

5)The road system is crap....and that's from someone who is from the land of Peachtree everything. Everyhting is a highway, so you have to drive 1.2 miles past your destination, exit, and then do a U-turn. This gets very old, very quick. Also, there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to whether the second lane from the left at a light is a turn lane or a straight lane. The natives seem to just make it whichever they want, regardless of markings, or whether or not you're driving a rental car where they are trying to go.

6)Women should not have haircuts that look like Marge Simpson anymore. I don't really have much else to say on this point.


8)If you do venture out of Houston, and go 20 minutes south to Galveston, forget what I said about the wind. It's pretty much a constant gale force wind that seems to have blown away all of the charm and class that this oceanside community might have.

9)This city is hypocritical. This one is just kind of a joke, but everything in Houston is named the George Bush something or other.......including the GEORGE BUSH WILDLIFE PRESERVE. Are you kidding me? A wildlife preserve from the oil drilling, off-shore supporting, clean air destroyingest President we have had in recent memory. Oh, the irony.

10)This last one is to make my wife happy on the off chance that she actually reads my blog. Undoubtedly, the worst part of me being in Houston is the fact that she is in Atlanta, and I have to go somewhere between two and five days without seeing her. BOOOOOOOOOOOO

1 comment:

  1. First time I flew into Houston I had a layover until the next morning and the airline refused to pay for my hotel....luckily Sean was in town so we stayed up all night drinking before I caught my 7am flight. I highly recommend that mode of travel next time you are in Houston.